My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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