I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
