I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
