gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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