I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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