I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
