I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
