My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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