i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
