What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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