I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
