Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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