After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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