'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
