Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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