she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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