Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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