Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize