grandma shit on top of the toilet
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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