I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize