if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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