Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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