It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
