i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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