the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
