I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
