yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
