She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
