So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
