Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
