I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
