Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
