come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
