so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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