i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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