god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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