sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
