I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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