omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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