My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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