so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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