why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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