I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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