Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize