Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
