is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize