Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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