How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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