Just cropdusted the office
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
