but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
