I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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