my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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