My liver just broke up with me...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
