once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize