I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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