i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
