That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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