im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
