I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
